The Dangling Conversation
by spookie nights
Summary: He wonders why he never extended the interaction with his brunette colleague outside the vast campus of Quantico. Why is that he never had a special memory of her outside their jobs which he could call as his own. Then a letter arrives. H/P. Post Lauren.
1. Prologue

**_The Dangling Conversation_** - _**Prologue**_

Adjusting was difficult. It always was when a member left the team. While he accepted everyone's departure from the team with detachment and understanding their own personal motive and agenda, Emily's exit had taken much of his energy and partially his sanity too.

He hadn't gotten a chance to even say good-bye.

The last memory involved a bloody Emily being rushed through surgery, him frantically making phone calls and running right next to gurney. He had stared at the closed doors helplessly and walked back to the waiting room. The anguish on his face was reflected by his team and a sobbing Garcia looked at him with shining eyes for answers; he was the team leader, after all.

He hated it when he had no answers. He hated it when he couldn't _predict_ future moves of people he closely associated with. He completely hated Emily's decision to leave them and give up being "Emily Prentiss". She was not only giving up her identity but also a life she truly loved.

For them. For the team.

As a profiler and an investigator he knew that a man like Ian Doyle would come back and hunt them. Ian Doyle was several hundred times worse than George Foyet given the way he had hunted down agents responsible for his arrest. Had he been in her shoes, even he would have chosen to disappear till Doyle was caught or dead. He had put his family under witness protection program where he couldn't see or talk to his son in person for a prolonged period of time. One did what one had to do when it comes to family.

She had done it for them; for the team.

Her family.

He had absolutely no say in the way she barged in and got out of his life. For such a control freak like him, it had taken weeks to come to terms with her arrival given how neither he nor Gideon had approved of her entry to the team. And when she made exit from the team and his life, he couldn't do much about it either. He in fact helped her to make a clear exit.

But the impact of fallout of her "death" was much abstruse than he had imagined. He lived with the knowledge of truth and guilt pricked him deep each time he saw one of the team members in anguish. The young doctor Reid looked at her cubicle when he thought no one was looking. Morgan re-read Kurt Vonnegut in flight or his spare time – honoring the memory of his closest friend with who he had bonded over Vonnegut's novels. Garcia missed the older woman who made her laugh with her wit and wicked sense of humor. He wasn't blind to his team's suffering. He couldn't rationalize Morgan's anger at Emily's sudden "death". He couldn't soothe Reid's loneliness which was louder than ever before. He listened to Garcia recall funny anecdotes involving Emily and the time they spent outside office. He was little surprised at how Emily had involved herself with his team outside the official boundaries.

Was it only him who didn't interact with her outside the campus of Quantico?

The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth. It wasn't because he felt alienated from the rest of the team but because he had lost an opportunity to know a truly wonderful woman.

"You are still here." It was Rossi standing on the threshold of his office ready to leave for the day. It wasn't a long day at work and the team had spent most of the time finishing up paperwork and pending reports.

"I will be out in thirty minutes Dave; just finishing something for Strauss." He replied to the older man.

"Goodnight Hotch."

He reciprocated a goodnight to Dave and sighed deeply. Bullpen was dark except for the lights flickering in corridor. Emily's desk was cleared and her personal artifacts were boxed and he had stored those boxes in his office. He had refused to label them as hers but and had stuffed it among his other personal belongings.

Thirty minutes later as promised to his mentor, he left office. He couldn't help but glance at bullpen as the old habit forbade him to do otherwise. Only this time, there wasn't Reid having a silly argument with thoroughly pissed Morgan with Emily and Garcia playing as referee and JJ simply giggling. The impending darkness was deep and thorough and he walked quickly away from it as if by doing so he would escape from its sharp claws. He drove as fast as the rules allowed him to and breathed a sigh of relief as he turned on the keys to his apartment.

He tiptoed across living room towards his son's bedroom. He softly closed the door behind him after rearranging his son's blankets and kissing him on his forehead. He cleared up the toys cluttered on the ground imagining his son being there and playing them. He was proud of how his son turned out to be and wished sincerely that his wife was alive with them to see their son growing well.

Once back in living room, he poured himself a drink and settled on the couch with daily mail. He loosened his tie and sipped on his drink idly opening stack of mails.

He choked on his drink when his eyes fell on familiar handwriting. He had seen it hundreds of times over the past four years – reports, case notes et al. Either that or he was too drunk and hung up on the team mate who had left to make a rational decision. He rushed to the bathroom and splashed ice cold water to remove any drudgery of the day. Once he was satisfied he was sober enough, he picked up the envelope again. There was no mistake. It was hers.

Emily had sent him a letter.

Inside the envelope was a small key wrapped in a sheet of paper. The paper had an address written on it. In less than a minute he was walking out of his apartment, the sheet of paper in his hands and the key in his jacket. The profiler in him screamed at the idiocy of the act – he should first get it verified if it was truly from Emily. And then check out what did that the key open. His best guess was a private mail box in the given address. But then again, knowing how cunning and intelligent Ian Doyle was this could all be an elaborate plot. Before he could rationalize the whole situation like he normally did, he had arrived at the destination. The address was not too far from his house, only eleven minutes' drive.

He stood in front of rows of locker which threw a crazy shadow in dim light. The security guard had asked for identification before he let him in and they had walked for almost a minute inside the large campus before arriving at the private lockers. According the security guard, the firm provided top of the line lockers and security services for a price that he equated to extortion. Hotch simply nodded and walked behind the guard memorizing the path he took. The guard had left him alone once they arrived at destination.

He still didn't know if opening the locker without a SWAT team in place was a wise thing to do. But there was something personal in that note and something carefully detached. He finally let go of the fear that was clawing his heart and opened the locker.

A lone cellphone sat in that small gloomy box.

He hesitantly picked it up, closed the locker and walked back to his car without a backward glance.

He settled in for the night thinking with the leftover drink and switched on the cellphone. There were no contacts added nor did it have anything. It was an old model without much of the jazz that latest cellphones offered. He set it next to his bedside and fell asleep almost immediately, the last minute adrenaline rush catching up with him.

At 01:34 AM, the new cellphone rang. He picked it up without thinking twice and groggily muttered a "hello".

"_Hey Hotch!_"

Sleep left his eyes and he sat upright.

"_Emily?"_


	2. Chapter 1

_**Chapter 1:**_

"_Hey Hotch!_"

Sleep left his eyes and he sat upright.

"_Emily?_

-o00o-

He didn't know what to say. Was "How are you" a decent question to ask in a situation like this? And should he even address her as Emily in the first place? It seemed as if she was struggling with her own set of questions and setbacks since she was being awfully silent and the conversation had practically fallen flat after first two lines. After almost a minute, she was the one who broke the silence.

"_How is Jack?_" She asked. The question itself brought a smile on his face. She was steering away from talking about herself or his work and he was fine with that. Not to mention the growing awkwardness in their conversation had both of them on their knees.

"_Well, Jack seems to have taken up on soccer recently and insists on eating fruit loops for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And you are now talking to Jack's soccer team's brand new coach_", he said chuckling. The whole idea of him coaching the team had tickled him immensely. He had accepted it, of course.

"_You? Soccer team coach? Seriously?_" Laughter was evident in her voice. The schedules and the deadlines they worked under had burned their social lives and her complaining had always been the loudest. And everyone grabbed at the tiniest opportunity they got to socialize or spend more time with their family and friends. And when it came to Hotch, Jack was his whole world.

"_But then again, knowing how you get involved in everything that you do, you must have made quite an impression on them._" Her voice weighed heavily with admiration. He felt nice knowing about himself from the woman who always distanced herself away from him.

"_I don't have luxury of time like most parents when it comes to their kids. I have to make most of every moment given to me for both mine and Jack's sake._" The tightness that gnawed his heart when he spoke of his personal life was loosened that night. It was only Dave with who he shared a level of comfort when he spoke about his widower status and his son.

"_I wish I had seen you with other kids on soccer field once. I always wondered what Aaron Hotchner is all about when he is stripped off suit, badge, gun and the job title that he has._" She spoke of a man who loved his family and did everything he could to save his marriage only to lose it in the end. Knowing the part of the man who did as much as he did on the job, she wondered why Haley didn't give him time to be what he was.

"_He is just another father who squirms when his son falls on the ground but lifts him up and encourages to continue the game. He is worries about not spending more time with his son given how his job takes him all over the country and silently prays that his son's understanding doesn't turn into a string of disappointments._" He answered as a matter of fact. He mused why Emily Prentiss who was presumed to be dead by many was calling him at wee hours in morning and talking about things that two friends would normally chat on a sunny afternoon with a glass of lemonade. Given their lifestyles, weirdness and oddity were all shoved under the carpet and they took everything they were offered.

"_I bet those kids would be calling you a drill sergeant."_ She sniggered at her own joke. He wished she could see him roll his eyes over the not-so-private BAU joke. She was quiet for many moments and so was he. He waited for her to speak.

"_Thank you Hotch._" Her soft words were barely audible.

"_For what?_" There was something extremely vulnerable about her that night. It was probably the thought that she was practically all alone in the world being stuck in a memory from time to time while knowing that others gradually moved on.

"_For picking up the cellphone. You have no idea how glad I am that you did._" He couldn't speak. She continued. "_May I call you again?" _Uncertainty resonated in her voice.

"_I would really like that_", he answered immediately.

She hung up a moment later. He stared at the cellphone his mind recounting the conversation all over again. It had been utterly surreal to hear from her and he was surprised at his own level of comfort he felt while talking to her. The awkwardness had reduced a notch and they seemed to have found a common footing. The conversation wasn't much, but it was a start.

For once, he didn't perform a linguistic profile on their conversation. For once he didn't bring in his more than two decades of experience and dissected every little nuance and perhaps profile his own behavior. For once, he let it be. And for once, he decided to simply sit back and allow this to unfold.

-o00o-

_Two weeks later:_

"Oh, I almost forgot. I think this is yours", Hotch handed Reid his metro card. "I found it in elevator this morning but I forgot to give it you right away. I apologize." Hotch said.

It was late evening and they were driving back from the prison where they had conducted interview of an inmate who was on death row. The interview had gone smoothly contrary to what they had initially thought and Hotch for once was glad that the encounter hadn't ended in a hostile situation.

"Thanks Hotch." Reid looked at the card and smiled looking out of the window. Hotch knew the young profiler enough to understand that Reid was smiling after remembering a fond memory. He didn't prod further.

"Hotch, did you know that Emily took metro with me about two to three times a week?" Hotch looked at Reid in surprise. No, he didn't. He shook his head.

"She told me that driving to work was boring and she felt lonely sitting in traffic and listening to lame radio. So she took train to work so that at least for some time she would have my company while commuting to and fro." Fondness was obvious in Reid's narration. Hotch didn't say anything. He knew that there was still more to come.

"I knew that she took train rides because she wanted to give me company and not the other way around. I selfishly pretended it to be otherwise. With her, the commute was always fun. In mornings we would profile random people and our whispered laughs used fetch us dirty looks from fellow passengers. While going back she used to drag me to these small cafes and restaurants tucked between modern establishments where timed seemed to have stood still. She knew so many of these joints allover DC and she encouraged me to find new ones on my own." Reid stopped talking and took a look at Hotch. He wondered if his monologue wasn't welcome and was suffocating Hotch with his personal experiences.

"Did you find any?" Hotch asked.

"I did find a couple of them actually. I rarely had any plans on weekends and then suddenly I had this new hobby of finding family run establishments – from small breakfast joints to florists; bookstores to restaurants. It was a good break from reading and I got a chance to interact with a number of people from different background and different walks of life. It was difficult at first, but I learned slowly. She taught me how I can be alone and yet never be a loner." Reid finished softly. Hotch knew how socially awkward Reid could get and was more than surprised the way Emily had dealt with it. He hadn't known she would go out of her way to make Reid realize how much enjoyable he can be if he allowed himself to be. He could imagine Reid and Emily to conspire some nonsense and giggling like little kids. He smiled at the imagery in his head.

"When I am commuting back home in an almost empty train, her memories hit me the hardest. I pass by those stations which were foreign to me before I met her and there is not one day I try to get down and visit those restaurants but somehow I am frozen in my seat. I want to go to that small Italian place where we ate desserts first and ordered main course later. I want to go to the café whose owner believed that I was a girl and was posing as a boy with Emily encouraging the thought much to my embarrassment. But somehow I am not able to get myself to even make a plan of going to those places. It's as if going there would mean confronting the truth; truth being her death." Reid's voice had reduced to a hoarse whisper which shook with the agony of loss he felt.

Hotch saw torment evident on Reid's face. Reid had very few friends and acquaintances and they had ended up being so after months of interaction with him. It took him a lot of time to invite people into his personal life and when they left, like Emily or Gideon, it hurt him the most. They were quiet for most part of the rest of the drive to Quantico.

As they took elevators back to the bullpen, Hotch asked. "Reid, do you want to go get dinner at one of those places you used to visit with Emily?" When he saw how surprised Reid looked, he amended. "I do not want to replace your memory of her. I only want you to rejoice every memory you had with her."

"Shall I ask rest of the team?" Reid answered after a long pause. Hotch smiled and nodded.

After many weeks he saw Reid laughing at a lame joke Morgan made. Small lights glittered around them and early spring's warmth gushed along with their laughter. Garcia squealed like a little girl when the owners invited them in personally to a private terrace calling them "Spencer and Emily's friends".

That night, he felt he knew a part of Emily Prentiss which was closely associated to Reid. And Reid had invited him to that part of the world which was joyous and celebrated wonderful companionship.

Once back home, he checked upon Jack and kissed him goodnight. Every night before he went to sleep, he kept the cellphone next to his work phone. He obsessively carried it with him wherever he went but switched it on only during the night. He hadn't spoken to her since her first call and vaguely mused if it was only a one time deal. As he settled for the night he wished he could talk to her again even if they spoke about random subject for less than five minutes.

His wish was granted five hours later when the cellphone rang at 3:29 AM.

"_Hey Hotch._" Her smooth voice wrapped in smile came through. He could only smile and respond.


	3. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2:**_

He was happy that his wish was granted and she did call him that night.

"_So did you win any soccer matches or did little ones just run around haphazardly making you shout instructions in your traditional non-colloquial grammatically perfect extra-long sentences?_" She didn't do much to contain her laughter. Being what he was and given how they dealt with different levels of law enforcements, civilians and media community, he ensured that his words were always politically correct and never gave any room for other party to find a loophole in his speech. Even though everyone in the team was exactly like that when they were on field, he was _always_ like that even when they were in office. She didn't know him enough outside the work so she had just presumed his out of office speech pattern.

"_Prentiss, that's not a very nice thing to say." _He said chucking at her jab. _"You are talking to the coach who has two wins in a row under his belt. Of course the credit also goes to the assistant coach who happens to Dave Rossi._" He wondered what she would make out of this arrangement. He was surprised at Dave's offer but he had read the spunk in the man's eyes.

"_Rossi too?_" Surprise was evident in her voice. "_Now that's a sight I would love to see._" He didn't miss the longing in her voice. Giving up her life in DC had come with a heavy cost. Of course there were things that she had lost. There were also things that could have been; and those things bothered him the most.

"_It's a very pleasant experience Emily. After dealing with the kind of work we do, being surrounded by innocence is an exhilarating feeling. I don't think there is anything in this world which can be as satisfying as spending a day with your child._" He closed his eyes when he spoke as images of smiling Jack along with his friends flashed in his mind. He sincerely wished she could feel what he was currently feeling.

The contentment he was feeling as a father.

She didn't respond. There was a part of her which longed for a child and he wasn't unaware of that. During one case which had involved a girl losing her entire family, Emily had shown interest in taking that girl in. He had doubted her judgment then. She had looked aghast at his insinuation and then completely disappointed when he told her that the girl had found relatives who were ready to take her in.

"_I realized what I had signed up for when Ian Doyle introduced me his son. I don't think I can ever have a family given the life I have lead Hotch. The feathers I have ruffled, people I have brought losses to and the people I have betrayed are continually hampering my sanity by reminding me what I have done and those memories have made me severely paranoid. Given how it did come true, I am glad that I didn't leave any blood ties behind._" Her cheerful disposition seemed to have contained and her voice had turned husky with emotion. He understood where she was coming from and he knew that she was right.

"_Entire team went to an Italian restaurant for dinner last night; the one you and Reid frequently visited._" He had to steer the conversation away from the topic of children. She was a natural when it came to children and not having any of her own wasn't a topic he wanted to dwell on. It wasn't something they could speak over the phone given her predicament which could turn potentially dangerous if she lost focus.

"_You did? How did you like the food?_" She sounded surprised and wondering how he came to know about it. He noticed that she was specifically directing the question to him alone and alienating rest of the team. She clearly wasn't too comfortable talking about rest of the team given how she had vanished from their lives. He deiced to give her enough exits and allow her to take whichever suited her plight. And when her guilt freed her from its stronghold, maybe then she would take the exit he wanted her to take and she could finally talk about her friends.

"_It was wonderful. I am planning to dine there again with my brother Sean when he visits me. He is aspiring to become a chef and I am sure he would love the place._" He wasn't much of a foodie but was definitely a fan of fine cuisine. Emily's upbringing reflected clearly in her tastes and the restaurant that had turned to be her frequent hangout place.

"_Ask Reid about the breakfast place which sells killer chocolate filled croissants. I am sure you and Jack would love it on a lazy Sunday morning._" He made a mental note to ask Reid about it. "_How is Strauss doing?_" She threw in that question from nowhere. Given how influential her family was in bureaucratic circles, she had known Strauss, his boss, before coming to BAU. Emily was thoroughly annoyed with Hotch when he had insinuated about her pursuing a personal political agenda in BAU behind his back.

"_You want to know about Strauss? Seriously? Prentiss, I am starting to get this feeling that all of this is an elaborate plan of yours to become my boss or worse, fire me from my job._" She laughed gaily at his silly reason. The trace of emotional glitches was reduced in her system and was now replaced with a neutral topic which had always amused him. She wasn't a fan of Strauss and she made it very obvious when Strauss insisted on implicating Hotch. Her loyalty had initially surprised him and later had him appreciate her even more.

"_She has this yearly ritual of thoroughly annoying you with some random bullshit ideas. You get stressed even more around this time of the year dealing with daily job and her nonsensical changes that are mostly pointless._" Her acerbic words had him burst out laughing. She wasn't too off the mark when it came to Strauss but him being him, didn't blame his boss about the decisions that she made. She was also a part of chain of command and she had her own goals to meet for the year. And he just happened to be the guy who would be crucial for her to meet her goals.

"_Strauss is being Strauss Emily. Nothing has changed there. She did ask me to talk to the team and give her a report – about how they feel after your exit._" He told her honestly.

"_And who will you talk to?_" She asked him. He had avoided asking himself that question and had completely ignored it till now. He had decided to make up some wooly answer if Strauss asked him at all. "_Do you talk to Haley?_" She asked when he didn't answer her question.

"_I rarely talked to Haley about work when she was alive, Emily. She didn't want to know about what kind of people I dealt with nor did she wanted to be made aware of the horrific reality that our society showed us on a daily basis. Yes, I do talk to her but it's mostly about Jack. She didn't want to hear it then and I am not going to start now._" The team was shocked when they came to know that their boss was getting divorced. She had witnessed the love and companionship Hotch and Haley had shared and wondered how it got deteriorated in a matter of year. Was their job so notorious that it had managed to break two decades of relationship?

"_I wish you would talk to someone Hotch._" She said helplessly. Had she been there maybe she would have thrown in an indignant look.

"_I am talking to you._" He said quietly. The implication of his words was not lost on her and the silence on the other end of the line reflected her understanding.

She was quiet for a moment deciding upon how to respond to her ex-boss. She seemed to realize that her next choice of words would change everything that was going to come. They would both continue this semi-cordial association as long as it lasted or they could get past all of this and really get to _talking_.

"_I am always here._" Her simple response bought a smile on his face. The significance of her words bombarded his senses. The avalanche in his chest that he perpetually harbored since things started getting bitter between him and Haley seem to rest a little. A serene calmness enveloped him which was born from the warmth of an assurance.

"_I will talk to you soon Hotch._" She bid goodbye and hung up without waiting for a response from him.

-o00o-

_One week later:_

"Is it true Hotch?" Agent Jordan Todd stormed into his office on late Friday evening, despair evident on her face.

"Is Emily really dead?" She asked when she realized that she wasn't making much sense with her initial question. He stared at the distraught ATF agent for a moment and slowly nodded his head. He honestly hadn't expected her to react in this way. Jordan collapsed on the seat and hung her head. When she looked up, her eyes were clouded with thin layer of tears. He was taken aback with her reaction.

"I didn't know at all. I never thought…I didn't expect…I can't believe this is happening." Head in her hands, Jordan finally relented to the truth.

"Jordan, I apologize for not contacting you and telling you about this. But I wasn't aware that Emily maintained a contact with you." She nodded.

"After I left BAU and returned to ATF, we met once or twice a month for dinner or just drinks. With her I didn't have to pretend that everything was alright in the world, like I had to with my other friends'. With her, it was simple to bitch and rant about work without my integrity being judged." Jordan had worked with them for the shortest duration, helping them when JJ was on maternity leave. She had started off with a wrong foot with him and also with Morgan to an extent and the pressure of working in BAU had finally caught up with her.

"She wasn't one of those who made elaborate appearances and used sappy lines to get people to talk. She asked me about paperwork which she knew wouldn't route through me. For a moment I thought her as this ditzy female who doesn't understand office document route. Even before I could complete my thought process I realized that it was her way of getting me to take my mind off whatever was bugging me. I had ended up smiling and thanking her for checking up on me. And after that I took upon her offer to see her when things felt closing in on me." Jordan wasn't looking at him. She ran her index finger on the rim of water glass he had offered her and seemed to be thinking of an entirely different lifetime.

"You enjoyed working with her then?" He wanted to know more about this woman and Emily's relationship. He wasn't too surprised with Emily's close association with the rest of the team. But Jordan had spent less than four months with them which was almost two years ago.

"I wanted the temporary position created by JJ's leave badly Hotch. Everyone knows that working with BAU takes you to places only that no outsider can fathom what dealing with the sickest people of the society can do to you. And after the initial run-in with you, I thought that I had screwed up my entire career by messing with 'The' Aaron Hotchner. You remember the case with Viper? I don't think I can ever forget that night in my life when she thoroughly destroyed a narcissistic jackass's ego. Work is most enjoyable when you and your partner are completely in sync. She is one of those few people with who I enjoyed working in the field a lot." Jordan looked up and met his gaze. He could see admiration and respect in her eyes for the older woman.

"There were times in my job when I looked pure hatred in eyes of men which had me restless. The more I delved into reasons for that hatred, the more restless my mind became. Emily is, no, was, the only girlfriend I had who knew exactly what I was going through. She didn't comfort me with fortune cookie words; she didn't tell me that everything was going to be alright. She asked me to suck it up and do my job. And if a day comes when the restlessness progresses to claustrophobic sensation not allowing you to breathe or think rationally, then it's the time to hand over your badge and gun." She chuckled remembering one of the earliest conversations she had had after moving out of BAU. A random call to Emily had ended up them spending most of the evening at a club drinking and just having a good time. She was going to miss her, she was certain of that.

"I am sorry Jordan." He was sorry for the young woman for losing a friend. He was sorry for lying to the same young woman about her friend's death. He was sorry for the kind of jobs they did which slowly ate away their sanity. He was sorry that he didn't contact Jordan for Emily's funeral.

She nodded and stood up. "Thank you for listening Hotch and am sorry for taking up much of your time." He shook her hands.

"It was not at all a problem. Take care, Jordan."

The day had ended with a surprise visit from Jordan but she had told him about Emily which he honestly didn't expect. It threw him off the loop and wondered how far she went to make people around her – old and new to make them comfortable.

And it was really unfortunate that no one really knew her at all.


End file.
